I love a good reminiscent conversation. I’ve been 30 now for almost 4 months and as I’m now into a new decade of my life I have felt myself reminiscing and reflecting more on where my life was, where it is now and the changes I’ve made to my aspirations and my life. It’s a bit of a long one today though.
I never imagined when I was a teenager that my life would go in the direction that it has. I wanted to be an archaeologist, music was a huge part of my life and I had friends that I thought would be my friends for life. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think that I’d be in love so soon either.
Instead of getting into archaeology, I decided to take a business studies GCSE. A qualification that I thought would be the most helpful in my future. I had a job from the age of 14. I had to give up music for a while but never got back into it. By the time I was 19 years old, I was engaged to Mr J and those ‘life long friends‘ I imagined were all but none existent.
I also left my job. I actually came to hate it. It was taking my time away from studying for my A Levels and I began to feel extremely uncomfortable with the family. I went in to the shop one day to tell them that I was quitting and what did I get? “Oh, ok. Are you sure you don’t want to stay?“ I said no because I had to focus on my studies but his response threw me for a loop! “It’s probably a good thing. (The wife) was probably going to sack you anyway. You’re not focussing on your work. You’re spending too much time with that boyfriend of yours.“ I mean, what the hell was I meant to say to that. I was in shock. I was never late, I got the work finished quickly and even did work they never asked me to do. When I was there, my full attention was on work. My relationship with Mr J never affected my work either. He’d come and meet me for my lunch on weekends that I was working and that was it! Let’s just say that I was glad I left.
I did a lot of studying in my youth. I had great grades at GCSE, studied A Levels and then went to college for a completely different course than what I’d studied at A Level. With all my studying, I didn’t really feel like it had taken my life anywhere. No, I didn’t go to university. It’s something that I would have loved to have done but I felt like I was still stuck at a crossroads. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
I put on weight, which I hated. I felt disgusted in myself, so I lost weight. I lost 4 stone and I felt fantastic…until I piled the pounds back on again. My weight went up and what ever I did I just couldn’t seem to lose it again. It’s also affecting my health. I’ve had so many problems with my asthma since I put on weight. It’s really something I need to sort out. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.
To be honest, I felt disappointed in myself. The only thing in my life that I wasn’t disappointed with was my relationship with Mr J. It was the only thing that I felt I’d done right. 12 years on and it still feels right. This honest, loyal, loving, kind and genuine man still gives me butterflies. He is my rock. The one thing in my life that has been constant for the past 12 years. The man who has shown me I’m not the failure that I’ve believed I am. I’d honestly be lost if he wasn’t in my life.
We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs too though. We’ve been engaged now for 11 years and we were hoping to have been married by now. Not like we haven’t started planning; I’ve actually got everything sorted and all that’s left to do is actually book. Finances after leaving college and Mr J having to leave his job due to his depression and anxiety diagnosis were a little short for us to be honest.
It’s not something either of us have shared but we had been trying for a baby. We put the idea of becoming parents on hold when Mr J was diagnosed, just so that we could both focus on improving his mental health. Although, before that we still had no luck. Seeing our friends sharing their pregnancy announcements and babies photos really hit me hard to be honest.
I feel like a failure. The one thing I really want to do is become a mother and I can’t even do that. I’ve been in tears trying to speak to Mr J about how I felt, so much so that I couldn’t even speak.
I felt like I had let everyone down. Mr J, my family but most of all myself.
Then Fudge came along. I know he’s only a bunny but I really do feel like I’m his mum. It feels like he has always been a part of our family.
As I approached turning 30, I really wanted to make a change to the life that I felt for the most part disappointed in. I wanted to do something to feel proud of, something that would make the people I love proud of me. So what did I decided to do?
I decided to set up my indie nail polish business.
I’ve completely enjoyed my journey into this endeavour but definitely has been a rollercoaster. I even started to feel like I was failing at this too and I’ve been working on it for 5 months. It’s a long process but its something I’m looking positively towards. My blog suffered a lot in the process of starting up my business though.
I’m also in the process of bringing music back into my life by learning the clarinet. I haven’t paid as much attention to it as I really should have done, mostly because I’ve been really busy with my online store. We’re also working on a health and fitness plan to help us on the road to losing weight. Another plus. Fingers crossed that we’ll be booking a wedding date soon. I have so many dreams and aspirations for the future, I can’t wait to see how they all play out.
I want to give you all some advice. Make something of your life while you’ve still got it. Enjoy it and do whatever you can to achieve all your dreams and aspirations.